I spoke to a psychic medium the other day. I love me some woo-woo and having regular conversations with the dead. The medium told me I needed to get back to who I really am. Putting aside any scepticism for the psychic medium trade you may have, think about it. It makes sense, for me. See I am a mother, a single mother for that matter. I have spent the past fourteen plus years putting everyone first, my husband (now ex) my kids – still do, even my animals. Before I had kids, I was a carer for my mum and dad, so it has been a LONG bloody journey of being fourth or fifth in the pecking order. Somewhere along the way I forgot who the fuck I was, or rather I got lost in the shuffle, relegated to the back of the queue. Man, I used to be cool (in my own mind anyway) I used to love being up on stage, singing my heart out, I used to love travelling, I used to love flirting and dating and having a grand old time. I also used to love the way I looked, the way I lived, the way I partied, the way I connected. I was having so much fun. Then I had kids and got married. Now, don’t get me wrong, I bloody love my kids, (marriage not so much) I would fight Lucifer in a battle to protect them, I would climb Mt Everest to get them the food they love, I would turn into Mrs Doubtfire by the age of fifty to make sure their needs come first, this last one I actually did. Now I look in the mirror at this tired, overweight, achy slow version of me and wonder what the hell happened? And how do I move forward into my best life if I don’t stop and reclaim some of me back, move myself up the pecking order, maybe even to the number one spot for a while, just so I can find me again and sort my shit out. It sounds like such a privileged problem doesn’t it, losing oneself? And I guess it is. I have a roof over my head, my children are fed, clothed, supported and loved. Things could be worse. But when I was growing up, I didn’t envision a life like this. I didn’t envision being so tired all the time and struggling so much. I knew my brain was a bag of mixed nuts, but I know how to deal with that, mostly. But as for my life, I’m hoping it is not too late to change it, I do believe it is never too late to change things. Right? Tell me it isn’t. I wonder how many women fall down under the weight of solo parenting, two parent parenting, being a carer, a wife, a woman? Because let’s face it, even when you have a partner, it doesn’t mean they contribute. It doesn’t mean they cook dinners, make lunches, pick the kids up, drop the kids off, clean the house, do the washing, feed the animals, help with homework, read the kids stories, stay up all night when the kids are sick, do the grocery shopping, pay the bills and so on and so on…why do you think divorce rates are so high? Women have had enough. I had had enough. But I still have to parent, I still have do all, and be all for my kiddos. So how do I reclaim some of me back? I guess I have to be a little selfish, as mums we need to be ‘selfish’ but you know, it isn’t being selfish to care for oneself, to take little moments here and there to remember, to reconnect, to recalibrate. Because if we don’t, we won’t be able to do all the shit we have to do each day, or at the very least, not do it well. I am giving myself permission, and giving you permission (not that you need my approval) to take those moments, to put the movie on, to give them a screen, to send them to the neighbours, to get him to step up - so you have time to breathe, time to remember how fucking awesome you are. Because you are. Peace.
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