I have bipolar disorder and it is my superpower. I didn’t know for sure I had Bipolar until I was in my 20’s, but when I got my diagnosis, everything made sense. I mean I grew up in the 80’s, no one paid any attention to mental health issues then, we just got on with it, so it was a relief for me to get some answers. Bipolar can make life tricky, exhausting and honestly horrid at times but it can also make life exciting, productive, thrilling and turbo charged. The trick is to find the balance, and by taking my meds, maintaining a healthy(ish) and keeping away from shit people and stressful situations I manage this. I don’t manage all the time, in fact right now my life is a bit of a cluster fuck but it is nothing I can’t resolve because I am a survivor and have been through worse and that is why having bipolar is my superpower. It has made me a warrior, it takes a lot to bring me down, if at all. So, I am ‘finding the balance’ once again. I’m pulling out the weeds. I have found in life that some people like to pick on the lowest hanging fruit. This is what I mean by shit people. I find as a person who suffers from a mood disorder and other mental illnesses, some people who have come into my life choose to blame me for their bad behaviour because I have bipolar. In their minds they acted the way they did because of me. Geez, now who needs therapy? It is an easy out, a gaslight, a low vibe, low energy, lazy thing to do. Let me give you a little context, I wanted to leave a relationship once, the person I was in the relationship with said that the only reason I wanted to leave was because of my bipolar. Wait what? It was because I liked change and so I shouldn’t leave, it was the wrong choice, didn’t I know this? It wasn’t because they were a gaslighting, manipulative, abusive rusty tool from the collective ‘tool’ shed. I admit, it threw me at first, because I am always hyper aware of the impact of my ‘behaviours’ but after I got over the self-doubt, confusion and guilt, all this narrative did was solidify my choice to leave the relationship because if you are prepared to manipulate like that, you will do anything. Another ex-partner chose to blame me for all the issues we had, despite the fact I was the only one deep in therapy and committed to working on myself. It was another way for them to justify continuing with their poor behaviour. They could sit on their high horse and say, ‘Look at her, she is crazy, that’s why everything went wrong.’ All my therapists and psychiatrists would and do disagree with you sir. Perhaps I am just drawn to low life’s who will sink to the mucky bottom of emotional manipulation? Perhaps it is because I carry the guilt of being unwell and knowing that anyone who gets involved with me, at some point or another will encounter me having an episode? Perhaps they think I am too stupid to know what they are doing? It makes me enjoy my own company greatly. It makes me stronger. But all of this leads to the next dilemma, when I do decide to venture out into the dating world again, if ever, when do I disclose my delightful laundry list of illnesses? Morally, it would be right from the beginning, wouldn’t it? But if that is one of the first things they know about me, will they be open enough to see that having bipolar is just one thing about me, I am also intelligent, fun, creative, compassionate, caring, loving, motivated, productive and so on, will everything I offer be continually seen through the lens of bipolar? Will I be once again be underestimated? Will the next person weaponize my Bipolar against me? It is exhausting just thinking about it. There are many reasons I don’t currently date, being a single mother with 100% care and being a wise old crone who can spot a red flag four miles away (my other superpower), but if I chose too, it would only take two seconds to Google me and see I have bipolar, so my work is done, my dilemma solved. I have found, men tend to not like being called out on their behaviour, (okay-not all men) and I just can’t help it sometimes – all the time. Not because I am perfect, or a judge or the ruler of the world but because I have tolerated SO much rubbish in my half a decade of life that I am bloody done, like a dog’s dinner. So dating… if someone decides they don’t want to get to know you because of your mental illness, then yes that is their prerogative, but what a shame it would be. There are so many amazing people in the world, contributing, thriving and just being awesome who also happen to have bipolar or any other of the mental illnesses and mood disorders in the world. I happily wear my bipolar superhero cape and because I don’t hide in shame, I will meet the right people at the right time, and the weeds will die away. I wish that for you too.
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