When I was a wee lass, both my parents worked full time. I was a latchkey kid through and through. I got myself to and from school, went without lunch at school if I didn’t make it, hung out at home alone until a parent finished work or came home from the pub, and got up to so much trouble because I basically wasn’t parented or supervised. That was the 80s. Bloody hell is it different these days. Now I am a single mum, I have two kids, one of whom is neurodiverse and home-schooling. I don’t remember the last time I had a day off, a day without financial, emotional and physical stress or a day I had family around to help out. Well let’s be honest, I’ve never had that. Both my parents passed before my kids were born. My dad was of the ‘Greatest Generation’ my mother of the ‘Silent Generation’. I’m not exactly sure what that all means but I can say these Pre Boomer parents, their values, their learned parenting was wildly different to the helicopter parenting of today but then again it was a different world then. And no, I’m not THAT old, crikey, I was adopted. I’m not sure which I prefer, I loved so much about growing up when I did. As I age, I sit more in a nostalgic haze, blissfully wishing those days back. I wish my kids had some of that magic. Pre-screens, phones, Tik Tok… I feel that we as parents have to be much more on guard now. Are there more predators or are we just taking more notice now? Is bullying worse or are we just talking about it more now? Are kids suffering more from mental health issues or are we more open about it now? I have my own theories, based on my lived experience but what do you think? It is a heavy burden, parenting these days. Seeing the world cave in on itself, beat itself up over and over. We humans are a stupid bunch. What are we leaving for our kids? Is it selfish to have brought them into this world? Sometimes I think it is. But maybe, I should sit more in hope, hope that these kids will carry the torch and when all the dickheads die, will start fixing this planet up again. Out with the old in with the new. I’m all for it, after all they cannot do any worse than we have been doing. I’m going to find some leg warmers, put on Xanadu and escape for a while now. I suggest you do the same. Peace.
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Children ruined my Career There I said it, they killed it dead in its tracks. I agree wholeheartedly with Lily Allen. In case you missed it, she recently said in an interview, "I never really had a strategy when it comes to career, but yes, my children ruined my career. I love them and they complete me, but in terms of pop-stardom, they totally ruined it.” Now I don’t have Lily Allen’s fame, money, celebrity status or David Harbour as a husband, but I am also a singer, actor, blah blah blah. Or I was until I had my kids. Once they came along, any resemblance of a creative career for me went by the wayside. Having a neurodiverse son was part of it, but let’s face it, when it comes to kids and domestic duties, the majority if not all of the responsibility falls on the woman most of the time. It’s not right, it's not fair, in fact it’s a load of toss but it is how it is. It was and is difficult for me to see the world move on, to see careers take off, or at least maintain a status quo while mine is laying in a ditch by the M4 choking on exhaust fumes, but like Lily Allen, I made a choice. As she said, “Some people choose their career over their children and that’s their prerogative, but my parents were quite absent when I was a kid. I feel that really left some nasty scars that I’m not willing to repeat on mine. I chose stepping back and concentrating on them and I’m glad I’ve done that.” Same here Lily, same here. I did choose to put my kids first and still do, but to be brutally honest, I also don’t have a choice. I have no family to help me and have 100% care of my kids, so when the fuck would I have time to get out there and perform? I could have hired babysitter’s, but my neurodiverse son wouldn’t have coped with that. I could have done it anyway, but as I said, I put them first. I was a latchkey kid, born in the 70s and a teenager in the 80s, there are so many things I love about the 80’s but the absence of parenting was not one of them, there are many things I did, or that I experienced that I wish had not happened, so I chose to do things very differently. Now I don’t think I deserve a medal for doing so, I applaud women who can make strides in their careers (yeah I’m jealous too) and manage a family but that simply wasn’t the case for me. Having a messy brain doesn’t help, I get overwhelmed easily, so trying to juggle too much just means I shut down and sit in paralysis and that sucks. There is only so much I can handle on my own. However, my kids are getting older, (imagine that!) the youngest twelve now, so slowly I will be able to reclaim some time for my creative work and the blessing is, that the bond I have with my kids, the connection, the memories, the love is so bloody strong, I know I am lucky as fuck. So, here’s to women who can ‘have it all’ I don’t know how you do it! I’ll just sit here with my tea thinking Lily Allen and I are friends and that David Harbour has a nice single brother… I used to love constant change, I found it thrilling and exciting. I sought it out. Who wants to be boring I’d think, not me! I’d blame it on my star sigh, I’m a Gemini, we are a feisty lot, creative and needing lots of stimulation, we have two sides, which one will I be today? Partners would blame my love of change on my bipolar, ‘You only want to break up because you’re bipolar,’ or ‘Everything is your fault because of your brain.’ Steady on mate, I don’t see your degree, nor your hours and hours spent in therapy picking apart said brain. I break up with you because you are not good for me, I make decisions and mistakes because I am human, just like you, but at least I am making them. It's easy to sit on that high horse and throw little stones, you can’t even be bothered to pick up the rocks, too much effort, you’re lazy like that. There is no one more critical of me than me. As I said I used to love and crave change, I can be hard to keep up with if you’re the wrong type. In many ways I still do, but I have learnt to find value in the consistency that comes with certain phases of life. When you are a single parent, or perhaps just a parent in general? there isn’t a huge amount of wiggle room with the daily ins and outs. You have to clean the house, you have to feed the kids, you have to make some money, you have to get kids to school and to appointments, to bed, you have to pay all the bills, do all the shopping, be everything because you are on your own… there is a lot of ‘same.’ I am in the ‘same’ phase now. My kids need consistency, they need to feel safe and steady, so this ship I am steering, I am diverting away from the icebergs because we don’t need to go down like the ill-fated Titanic. RIP. I’m pushing for routines, early bedtimes, better meals, quiet time, rest, conversations, I’m listening hard because they deserve to be heard. This is my Mother phase, I am motherless, so I am navigating this without a map. My Maiden phase is now long behind me, it was fun for a time. Some days I feel more like I am in my Crone phase, age wise I am getting close, or perhaps I just wish I was because I am weary. I wish to sleep with the moon and rise with the sun, to drink tea in my garden without care, to have completely, once and for all let go of all those who trouble me, knowing I have done my time and owe no one. To sit in the sun with my eyes closed, to let my stomach out, that stomach bloated from childbirth and age. To turn grey gracefully, although they are yet to appear, to move slower because I have the time. To cackle delightfully because I am considered the mad village witch, that would please me. To write my spooky stories and sing my spooky songs, because it’s what I love to do. To be at peace knowing my kids are happy and healthy human beings because of the work I put in. To know that every sacrifice I made was bloody worth it, because they are worth it. I look forward to the Crone. But I am Mother right now and always will be of course, although my role will reduce. So, I settle in, being present in this moment because before long it will pass. I know change will come, when it is time, but not yet. I pull on the reins and ask my horses to wait a little longer. I don’t want to miss a minute. That itching under my skin to change is still there, it always is. But we have a deal. Change needs to take a time out for a while so I can parent the way I want to parent. It is mostly okay with that because it understands. We as humans, move through phases in life and some are harder than others, some feel like you won’t make it through but we do, mostly. As we age the phases become a little scarier, because as a species we are too aware of our mortality. But we can look at that awareness as a gift, we can savour the moments, the phases, embrace them all before our time runs out. Hopefully we have a good few years before it does. So for now, the Mother continues on, the Crone lies in wait and I smile my crooked smile because I know I am blessed. Perhaps you’ll see me years from now, I’ll be the one riding the night sky on my broom, cackling away, sprinkling magic dust over you all. Peace. I’ve been a single parent for a big chunk of time now. I have chosen to make certain 'sacrifices' or 'decisions' because I wanted to put my kids first. In some ways, this was my only option having a neuro-diverse kiddo but one I do not regret regardless. Single parent life has many ups and downs, financially it is tough, but all single parents know this right? I don’t really have much of a life outside kids, but I do grab moments here and there to do things I love like music and writing which completely float my boat, and I am so fucking happy that my kids and I are super close, that is my reward for it all. Being the primary (only) carer means I make all the calls, all the decisions, sometimes I get it super fucking right and sometimes super fucking ‘not so’ right, but at least I am there doing my best to not fuck these kids up too much, because let’s face it, all parents fuck their kids up to some extent, some more than others. At least we are there, doing it all, being bloody superheroes. I carry the weight of the good and the bad, the happy and the sad and I wouldn’t trade it for the world BECAUSE when I am old and pooping my pants, these kids will feel indebted to pay me back for all the years. No, I’m kidding, sort of, I wouldn’t trade it because they are fucking awesome and I adore them and life is about connecting, learning and growing. Life with them is the joy of a family bond I never had, it is healing in so many ways, too many to count. They have taught me that it isn’t ‘all about me,’ that I am not the centre of the universe, they don’t owe me shit, my ego has rightfully copped a walloping. I chose to have them, to love them, to nurture them, to help them grow into reasonably well functioning adults and will help them bounce back after they fuck up, as they will and do regularly. I’ve been playing with tarot cards of late, another one of my loves, and there is one card that kept jumping out at me over and over one day, it was the Strength card. How apt. I’ve got it, you’ve got it. We can do the hard things. So I raise my glass to all those who stayed, who put in the work, who love and cherish, who keep picking themselves up off the floor after another takedown, who keep going regardless of it all. I fucking salute you. Peace. Did you miss me? Huh? You didn't notice I was gone. Never mind, here I am. Back, refreshed, newly medicated and ready to dive in. A lot has happened in the years since I was last here, (No shit Sherlock - you think you're the only one with stuff?) Seriously though, how have you all been? I have been busy starting my son off in high school, juggling all the appointments and business that comes with having a neuro-diverse kiddo and supporting my daughter she she enters her final year in primary school. I restarted my garden for the nine hundredth time, got a new deck built so I can sit with my tea admiring the veggies growing ferociously, while dodging the branches the cockatoos hurl at me from the tree above. I have been in the studio recording several new music projects, all of which excites the fuck out of me. Can't wait to send that shit out into the world. What else? I got a new psychiatrist. Now that is exciting. New psych, new diagnosis, new meds, new me. Bloody Brilliant. And lots of writing, always lots of writing. Oh and I turned 50! Not even sure how I got here so quickly. Today is a miserable day here, even though it's summer, it is foggy, rainy and shit but I love it like this. The world quietens down for me on days like this, there is less business. Although I do have to go get some food, unless my son wants cat biscuits in his lunch tomorrow. My daughter is on camp, her first big camp. She is off snorkelling, bloody proud of her, she's an anxious kid so it was a big step going to camp. I'm hoping 2023 is a good year for us all, it's already the end of February, time keeps moving too fast for me. I'm hoping I have another 30/40 years to get all the shit done I want to do. I better get moving. Let me know what you're up to? Anyway, thanks for reading, thanks for being here, I'll be around a lot more now. Elizabeth By the way, I want to get Quails, anyone have Quails? any tips? Prince Philip died this week.
The image of the Queen sitting alone, head down, dressed in black, by her late husband’s coffin is heartbreaking. I’m not a big fan or follower of the Royals but what broke my heart is that a woman who has been in a marriage with someone for 73 years just lost that person. I don’t know if they liked each other anymore, I haven’t even watched The Crown. But that is a LONG time to spend in companionship with someone. The image made me cry, it made me long for something but for what? I was married, but no more. A 73 year marriage is never going to happen for me, I doubt I would even want it too. However, my inner romantic sometimes longs for a companion, a lifelong companion to hold hands with throughout all of life’s ups and downs. I know in reality relationships are hard work and women are usually let down by the men in their lives as they carry the burden of almost everything, the cooking, cleaning, childcare, ‘husband’ care, washing, family admin, loss of identity and so on… yet still, besides this part of me wants someone to grow old with, to die with, to mourn or to be mourned by. Is it the fairy tales we are fed as young girls? Am I, as I approach 50 still waiting for my Prince? I’m way too cynical to believe in being rescued by a man, nor would I want to be. The feminist in me is strong, my tolerance for baby men is non-existent yet, still, occasionally I wouldn’t mind having a decent one around. I love my own company, I need time alone. I don’t do dating apps, no judgement, they are just not for me. I am happy in the garden, with a book, a good film, my friends and animals, the list of things I adore is endless. So maybe I’m not missing out on anything? Maybe it is just a fairy tale? Maybe it’s just patriarchy telling us that we are not complete without a partner? I hope the Queen finds peace, it has been a rough few years for the Royals. Happy Belated New Year everyone.
I know I’m late to the party but I’ve been hunkering down with the fam, planning a very different looking 2021 and avoiding the chaos. Covid is still with us, and I guess always will be in some way. Each day greets us with a new border closures, lock downs, mask rules and vaccine updates. All of it makes me weary. My feed is full of broken people, front liners asking for everyone to follow the rules as they are the ones dealing with the misery of it all and on the flip side too many conspiracy theories that bore me stupid. The USA has gone completely mad, well the Pro Trumpers have. When he said, ‘Make America Great Again,’ did he mean send it into absolute chaos and violence? Does inciting a coup make it great? He has been banned from social media which is very late in coming but at least it finally happened. I’m anxious about inauguration day. Are you? Not long to go now. Despite the great pile of steaming garbage that has clung to 2021 from the awful 2020, I am full of optimism. We have had rain instead of fires, my family is healthy; we have a roof over our heads, food on the table, animals running about and are more privileged than many. I am grateful. I am about to start home schooling my eldest and am studying again, I am a forever student. This year is full of changes, re adjustments and new ways of living. I think it’s going to be ok. What do you have to be grateful for? Do you have people you can reach out too? We must look after each other. Mental Health Matters. I’m here if you need a chat. Peace I love and fucking adore my kids. Seriously I cannot imagine life without them. When they go to their dads it pulls my goddamn heart out and I miss them like crazy. The last thing I ever wanted was for them to have divorced parents but sometimes, it is absolutely the right thing to do. My parents stayed together and they, and therefore my brother and I were fucking miserable. My ex and I have mostly worked well sorting out all the parenting stuff. He loves them and is a good dad. But I have them most of the time, that’s usually the way right? Mum has majority care, therefore can’t work as much as she would like and has fuck all super…sigh... I also have no parents therefore no grandparent babysitters. To say my career has been put on hold is a massive understatement. But a dear friend and absolute warrior of a woman said something interesting the other day in a Facebook live she did for her new coaching business Fearless Women. She said she had been hiding behind her kids, or using her kids as an excuse not to show up in her own life. It really hit a nerve with me. Now it is absolutely true that I have major work restrictions, I live 2 hours from our capital city where all the castings happen, I can’t fly off to do a film or do a run in a theatre show as there is no one to look after my kids. My ex lives an hour and a half away so that would make school impossible, and plus he works blah blah blah… However, there are people in similar situations that make things work, there are ways if I was absolutely powering for it all.. Difficult solutions but solutions nonetheless. But I am not choosing them. I don’t want my kids minded by someone else until I get home each night from the theatre at 1am. I want to be able to drop them at school and pick them up rather than stressing to find someone to do either or both for me so I can attend a 5 minute casting 2 hours away. I love being a performer I really do, but I love my kids more. My dear friend I mentioned said to me, it’s just not the right time and in a couple of years they will be older and it will be a little easier. She is right. It sometimes pains me that I am not on stage, doing what I do best but it will come and if not, I think that it will be ok. So I guess I will no longer say I can’t do what I want because of my life responsibilities but rather, I am choosing not too for now as I have other priorities. That gives me my power back. |
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