I love and fucking adore my kids. Seriously I cannot imagine life without them. When they go to their dads it pulls my goddamn heart out and I miss them like crazy. The last thing I ever wanted was for them to have divorced parents but sometimes, it is absolutely the right thing to do. My parents stayed together and they, and therefore my brother and I were fucking miserable. My ex and I have mostly worked well sorting out all the parenting stuff. He loves them and is a good dad. But I have them most of the time, that’s usually the way right? Mum has majority care, therefore can’t work as much as she would like and has fuck all super…sigh... I also have no parents therefore no grandparent babysitters. To say my career has been put on hold is a massive understatement. But a dear friend and absolute warrior of a woman said something interesting the other day in a Facebook live she did for her new coaching business Fearless Women. She said she had been hiding behind her kids, or using her kids as an excuse not to show up in her own life. It really hit a nerve with me. Now it is absolutely true that I have major work restrictions, I live 2 hours from our capital city where all the castings happen, I can’t fly off to do a film or do a run in a theatre show as there is no one to look after my kids. My ex lives an hour and a half away so that would make school impossible, and plus he works blah blah blah… However, there are people in similar situations that make things work, there are ways if I was absolutely powering for it all.. Difficult solutions but solutions nonetheless. But I am not choosing them. I don’t want my kids minded by someone else until I get home each night from the theatre at 1am. I want to be able to drop them at school and pick them up rather than stressing to find someone to do either or both for me so I can attend a 5 minute casting 2 hours away. I love being a performer I really do, but I love my kids more. My dear friend I mentioned said to me, it’s just not the right time and in a couple of years they will be older and it will be a little easier. She is right. It sometimes pains me that I am not on stage, doing what I do best but it will come and if not, I think that it will be ok. So I guess I will no longer say I can’t do what I want because of my life responsibilities but rather, I am choosing not too for now as I have other priorities. That gives me my power back.
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