Children ruined my Career There I said it, they killed it dead in its tracks. I agree wholeheartedly with Lily Allen. In case you missed it, she recently said in an interview, "I never really had a strategy when it comes to career, but yes, my children ruined my career. I love them and they complete me, but in terms of pop-stardom, they totally ruined it.” Now I don’t have Lily Allen’s fame, money, celebrity status or David Harbour as a husband, but I am also a singer, actor, blah blah blah. Or I was until I had my kids. Once they came along, any resemblance of a creative career for me went by the wayside. Having a neurodiverse son was part of it, but let’s face it, when it comes to kids and domestic duties, the majority if not all of the responsibility falls on the woman most of the time. It’s not right, it's not fair, in fact it’s a load of toss but it is how it is. It was and is difficult for me to see the world move on, to see careers take off, or at least maintain a status quo while mine is laying in a ditch by the M4 choking on exhaust fumes, but like Lily Allen, I made a choice. As she said, “Some people choose their career over their children and that’s their prerogative, but my parents were quite absent when I was a kid. I feel that really left some nasty scars that I’m not willing to repeat on mine. I chose stepping back and concentrating on them and I’m glad I’ve done that.” Same here Lily, same here. I did choose to put my kids first and still do, but to be brutally honest, I also don’t have a choice. I have no family to help me and have 100% care of my kids, so when the fuck would I have time to get out there and perform? I could have hired babysitter’s, but my neurodiverse son wouldn’t have coped with that. I could have done it anyway, but as I said, I put them first. I was a latchkey kid, born in the 70s and a teenager in the 80s, there are so many things I love about the 80’s but the absence of parenting was not one of them, there are many things I did, or that I experienced that I wish had not happened, so I chose to do things very differently. Now I don’t think I deserve a medal for doing so, I applaud women who can make strides in their careers (yeah I’m jealous too) and manage a family but that simply wasn’t the case for me. Having a messy brain doesn’t help, I get overwhelmed easily, so trying to juggle too much just means I shut down and sit in paralysis and that sucks. There is only so much I can handle on my own. However, my kids are getting older, (imagine that!) the youngest twelve now, so slowly I will be able to reclaim some time for my creative work and the blessing is, that the bond I have with my kids, the connection, the memories, the love is so bloody strong, I know I am lucky as fuck. So, here’s to women who can ‘have it all’ I don’t know how you do it! I’ll just sit here with my tea thinking Lily Allen and I are friends and that David Harbour has a nice single brother…
0 Comments
I’m sending out resumes today. I need to put down some roots. This casual gig is fun but not sustainable. Find the balance between bringing in money and creative expression. Sometimes they merge but not often enough, Covid put a swift end to that. Cannot sacrifice one for the other as both are important. Financial security versus the lifelong urge to spend my days creating. Financial security versus my brain urging me to keep moving, standing still is hazardous. All my nerves are twitching and I long for the new. Racing thoughts, grand plans all pulled into line by therapists who work to ground me in my hypomanic moments. They have quite a job ahead of them. As do I. Never quite give up on the grand plans but know how to quieten them enough so I can function in my day to day. But always, always lurking. My resume is a confused, lengthy scattering of jobs. I rarely land. ‘Look at all that experience.’ Jack of all trades, master of none. I am good at what I do, just need to do it more. I want to earn more, I want to contribute more. I want many things. Sometimes my energy throws people off, they sense how trapped I can feel. They sense how hard I try to please. Searching for validation. Prove I am capable. I am. Sometimes the mirror is too strong for them and they walk away. That’s ok. Can’t make everyone happy. You do you. Peace. I have to say I had never heard of this version of the ever popular Monopoly until recently when the TVC started making the rounds again on social media. If you missed it, here it is.
The idea of this game from what I believe, (I have not played it) is to empower girls and women. Female players get more money from the bank than men to start with and collect more than their male opponents as they pass go. You don’t buy property but rather inventions made or co made by women (conveniently excluding the disregarded original inventor of Monopoly, Elizabeth Magie.) This is the complete opposite of what happens in the workplace and women are asking for equal pay for equal work, not more money than our male counterparts. I think it’s pretty lame to suggest that for women to get ahead or to remain ahead if treated with equality, we would require head starts. But it gets worse. According to Megan Garber (who has actually played the silly game) in her article, “I played Ms Monopoly so you don’t have to.” “We dutifully follow the directions: Roll the dice, move forward, buy, pay, repeat. Andrew lands on Community Chest. This is what his card says: “You see the newest superhero movie with a female lead, and it’s awesome! COLLECT $50. If you’re a man, COLLECT $100.” Wait, what? He gets rewarded for sitting through a super hero movie with a female lead? I’m already confused. Mixed messaging much? And you gotta love the perky Ms Monopoly thrusting a hip out on the centre of the board, is she sassy? Defiant? Quirky? Independent? Is that what a successful ‘Ms’ looks like? I’m in two minds, I wonder if I would buy it for my daughter if it interested her. The gimmick of it might intrigue her for 2 minutes then it would offer no more value than the original game. The thing is, women don’t start out with more money than men, we get paid less and a lot of women end up with little or no super. Things are better than they once were but we are not there yet. I think I would rather she picks up a book, like the awesome Rebel Girls series to learn about women and their accomplishments. Not given some bullshit drivel which seems to patronisingly “support” women’s accomplishments. What do you think? Peace Have you experienced ageism? Have you missed opportunities, jobs and experiences because society thought you were too old? Over the past 5 months I have been looking for ways to bring in some extra money to support my family. I have sent out many job applications, resumes and enquiries all for casual, low skill easy jobs that I could do and have done in the past with no issue. In fact I have been in more senior roles than the roles I have applied for but that was all good with me. Yet, from all the applications I sent, I had no response. Now it may well be that my resume sucks or my cover letters are poorly written but I don’t think that is the case. I have previously never had a problem securing employment, rarely have I been unemployed apart from when I chose to so I could raise my children but now as I head towards 50, no one wants to know. Re-entering the workforce it seems it almost impossible. I spoke to a dear friend about this yesterday and she told me how she was recently passed over for a role, a role that went to a much younger, less experienced woman. Another friend who has a background as a highly experienced editor sent her CV to a bunch of bookshops with no response. There is a pattern. At what point do we become too old to be considered desirable employees, past 30? Younger than that? At what point do our years of experience, our maturity and strong work ethic no longer qualify us for employment. Does having children makes us less desirable? I certainly think so. Is it easier to hire a 20 year old with no kids, no commitments and little experience over a woman who has years of experience but also children she is responsible for? Especially as single parents, all of the women I mentioned are single parents, having to start over to make ends meet and to provide for their family. Often the partners they are no longer with provide little or no child support and in several cases are perpetrators of domestic violence. Yet when these women reach out to employers and are willing to work hard and are reliable smart as fuck women they are passed over for youth and cheaper wages. This gives me the fucking shits. So what do we do? In my case, I am working on my own business so I don’t have to rely on anyone to deem me ‘worthy’ as an employee. We support each other, bounce around ideas, make each other meals, share drinks, who the fuck knows. Anything to support each other so we know we are not alone, so our mental health doesn’t deteriorate into a pile of dog shit. Business owners need to start valuing experience, talent, maturity, work ethic and what we have to offer. I am absolutely not saying that a younger person does not have these qualities but consider us aswell when hiring. That is how we support each other, let’s build each other up. I want to support women rebuilding their lives after relationship breakdowns and as they re-enter the workforce after raising kids. Women should not be punished for these things and that is what it feels like when we are constantly overlooked for jobs we are more than qualified for. Peace I love and fucking adore my kids. Seriously I cannot imagine life without them. When they go to their dads it pulls my goddamn heart out and I miss them like crazy. The last thing I ever wanted was for them to have divorced parents but sometimes, it is absolutely the right thing to do. My parents stayed together and they, and therefore my brother and I were fucking miserable. My ex and I have mostly worked well sorting out all the parenting stuff. He loves them and is a good dad. But I have them most of the time, that’s usually the way right? Mum has majority care, therefore can’t work as much as she would like and has fuck all super…sigh... I also have no parents therefore no grandparent babysitters. To say my career has been put on hold is a massive understatement. But a dear friend and absolute warrior of a woman said something interesting the other day in a Facebook live she did for her new coaching business Fearless Women. She said she had been hiding behind her kids, or using her kids as an excuse not to show up in her own life. It really hit a nerve with me. Now it is absolutely true that I have major work restrictions, I live 2 hours from our capital city where all the castings happen, I can’t fly off to do a film or do a run in a theatre show as there is no one to look after my kids. My ex lives an hour and a half away so that would make school impossible, and plus he works blah blah blah… However, there are people in similar situations that make things work, there are ways if I was absolutely powering for it all.. Difficult solutions but solutions nonetheless. But I am not choosing them. I don’t want my kids minded by someone else until I get home each night from the theatre at 1am. I want to be able to drop them at school and pick them up rather than stressing to find someone to do either or both for me so I can attend a 5 minute casting 2 hours away. I love being a performer I really do, but I love my kids more. My dear friend I mentioned said to me, it’s just not the right time and in a couple of years they will be older and it will be a little easier. She is right. It sometimes pains me that I am not on stage, doing what I do best but it will come and if not, I think that it will be ok. So I guess I will no longer say I can’t do what I want because of my life responsibilities but rather, I am choosing not too for now as I have other priorities. That gives me my power back. |
Writer. Bipolar Rambler. Archives
March 2024
Categories
All
|