When I was a wee lass, both my parents worked full time. I was a latchkey kid through and through. I got myself to and from school, went without lunch at school if I didn’t make it, hung out at home alone until a parent finished work or came home from the pub, and got up to so much trouble because I basically wasn’t parented or supervised. That was the 80s. Bloody hell is it different these days. Now I am a single mum, I have two kids, one of whom is neurodiverse and home-schooling. I don’t remember the last time I had a day off, a day without financial, emotional and physical stress or a day I had family around to help out. Well let’s be honest, I’ve never had that. Both my parents passed before my kids were born. My dad was of the ‘Greatest Generation’ my mother of the ‘Silent Generation’. I’m not exactly sure what that all means but I can say these Pre Boomer parents, their values, their learned parenting was wildly different to the helicopter parenting of today but then again it was a different world then. And no, I’m not THAT old, crikey, I was adopted. I’m not sure which I prefer, I loved so much about growing up when I did. As I age, I sit more in a nostalgic haze, blissfully wishing those days back. I wish my kids had some of that magic. Pre-screens, phones, Tik Tok… I feel that we as parents have to be much more on guard now. Are there more predators or are we just taking more notice now? Is bullying worse or are we just talking about it more now? Are kids suffering more from mental health issues or are we more open about it now? I have my own theories, based on my lived experience but what do you think? It is a heavy burden, parenting these days. Seeing the world cave in on itself, beat itself up over and over. We humans are a stupid bunch. What are we leaving for our kids? Is it selfish to have brought them into this world? Sometimes I think it is. But maybe, I should sit more in hope, hope that these kids will carry the torch and when all the dickheads die, will start fixing this planet up again. Out with the old in with the new. I’m all for it, after all they cannot do any worse than we have been doing. I’m going to find some leg warmers, put on Xanadu and escape for a while now. I suggest you do the same. Peace.
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Children ruined my Career There I said it, they killed it dead in its tracks. I agree wholeheartedly with Lily Allen. In case you missed it, she recently said in an interview, "I never really had a strategy when it comes to career, but yes, my children ruined my career. I love them and they complete me, but in terms of pop-stardom, they totally ruined it.” Now I don’t have Lily Allen’s fame, money, celebrity status or David Harbour as a husband, but I am also a singer, actor, blah blah blah. Or I was until I had my kids. Once they came along, any resemblance of a creative career for me went by the wayside. Having a neurodiverse son was part of it, but let’s face it, when it comes to kids and domestic duties, the majority if not all of the responsibility falls on the woman most of the time. It’s not right, it's not fair, in fact it’s a load of toss but it is how it is. It was and is difficult for me to see the world move on, to see careers take off, or at least maintain a status quo while mine is laying in a ditch by the M4 choking on exhaust fumes, but like Lily Allen, I made a choice. As she said, “Some people choose their career over their children and that’s their prerogative, but my parents were quite absent when I was a kid. I feel that really left some nasty scars that I’m not willing to repeat on mine. I chose stepping back and concentrating on them and I’m glad I’ve done that.” Same here Lily, same here. I did choose to put my kids first and still do, but to be brutally honest, I also don’t have a choice. I have no family to help me and have 100% care of my kids, so when the fuck would I have time to get out there and perform? I could have hired babysitter’s, but my neurodiverse son wouldn’t have coped with that. I could have done it anyway, but as I said, I put them first. I was a latchkey kid, born in the 70s and a teenager in the 80s, there are so many things I love about the 80’s but the absence of parenting was not one of them, there are many things I did, or that I experienced that I wish had not happened, so I chose to do things very differently. Now I don’t think I deserve a medal for doing so, I applaud women who can make strides in their careers (yeah I’m jealous too) and manage a family but that simply wasn’t the case for me. Having a messy brain doesn’t help, I get overwhelmed easily, so trying to juggle too much just means I shut down and sit in paralysis and that sucks. There is only so much I can handle on my own. However, my kids are getting older, (imagine that!) the youngest twelve now, so slowly I will be able to reclaim some time for my creative work and the blessing is, that the bond I have with my kids, the connection, the memories, the love is so bloody strong, I know I am lucky as fuck. So, here’s to women who can ‘have it all’ I don’t know how you do it! I’ll just sit here with my tea thinking Lily Allen and I are friends and that David Harbour has a nice single brother… I’ve been a single parent for a big chunk of time now. I have chosen to make certain 'sacrifices' or 'decisions' because I wanted to put my kids first. In some ways, this was my only option having a neuro-diverse kiddo but one I do not regret regardless. Single parent life has many ups and downs, financially it is tough, but all single parents know this right? I don’t really have much of a life outside kids, but I do grab moments here and there to do things I love like music and writing which completely float my boat, and I am so fucking happy that my kids and I are super close, that is my reward for it all. Being the primary (only) carer means I make all the calls, all the decisions, sometimes I get it super fucking right and sometimes super fucking ‘not so’ right, but at least I am there doing my best to not fuck these kids up too much, because let’s face it, all parents fuck their kids up to some extent, some more than others. At least we are there, doing it all, being bloody superheroes. I carry the weight of the good and the bad, the happy and the sad and I wouldn’t trade it for the world BECAUSE when I am old and pooping my pants, these kids will feel indebted to pay me back for all the years. No, I’m kidding, sort of, I wouldn’t trade it because they are fucking awesome and I adore them and life is about connecting, learning and growing. Life with them is the joy of a family bond I never had, it is healing in so many ways, too many to count. They have taught me that it isn’t ‘all about me,’ that I am not the centre of the universe, they don’t owe me shit, my ego has rightfully copped a walloping. I chose to have them, to love them, to nurture them, to help them grow into reasonably well functioning adults and will help them bounce back after they fuck up, as they will and do regularly. I’ve been playing with tarot cards of late, another one of my loves, and there is one card that kept jumping out at me over and over one day, it was the Strength card. How apt. I’ve got it, you’ve got it. We can do the hard things. So I raise my glass to all those who stayed, who put in the work, who love and cherish, who keep picking themselves up off the floor after another takedown, who keep going regardless of it all. I fucking salute you. Peace. |
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