Dear Men
How are you going? It’s been pretty stressful lately hasn’t it? I haven’t been coping so well. I just thought I’d check in with you because I’ve noticed you’re not coping so well either. The world is pretty fucked up right now and people have lost their livelihoods and worse, their lives. We are all trying to figure things out. I know you’re feeling it too Men. I also know most of you won’t admit it. There is a lot of pressure on you growing up to behave a certain way. You can’t grow up hearing things like, ‘Be a man,’ ‘grow some balls,’ and ‘boys don’t cry,’ and not have that shit totally ingrained in your brain. Where does that leave you? In a lot of cases unable to admit or accept that you might need some help, to know that it is ok to say you are not coping and to get some professional support. You soldier on, you have a drink, you scream at other drivers, you tailgate, you terrorise your spouse, your children, you punch walls, you punch women, you kill women and sometimes yourselves. Ok let’s back up a second, I know ‘not all men’ but let’s be honest, it’s a fucking lot of you isn’t it? When you suppress your sadness, it turns to anger, when you suppress your anger it turns to rage, when you try and suppress… no wait, you can’t. You wear it like a badge of honour, you’re the tough guy and everyone else is wrong. Chests puffing up, fists clenched and spit flying from your mouths as you snarl at your target. I have been in therapy on and off for almost all of my adult life, I have taken medication on and off for most of my adult life. I read and educate myself and talk to others and reach out for support when I need it and offer it in return. I have been in relationships where counselling has been rejected because, ‘we don’t need it’ or rather ‘he doesn’t need it’. The men who don’t need counselling: I have seen them go into rages and frighten the shit out of their children only to apologise later… until the next time. This is abuse. Your children will remember it. I have seen them call women crazy, hysterical, insane, unfit mothers and sluts, in order to manipulate the courts into giving them what they want. I have seen them lie about their earnings so they can avoid paying child support. I have seen them punch other men over parking spots. I have seen them tailgate, chase, threaten, intimidate other drivers because they don’t like how they drive. I have seen countless women flee their homes with their children and the clothes on their back to seek shelter in refuges because they know the next punch might be fatal. I have been gas lit, manipulated, controlled, hit and abused. By men. But still, you don’t need counselling. Destroy the Joint counts the number of women killed in Australia by the men in their lives, the number keeps going up and up. It’s a national emergency but it’s just women right? So nothing is done. ‘She drove him to it,’ ‘She wore the wrong clothes,’ ‘She was asking for it,’ ‘No doesn’t mean no,’ ‘She pushed him first,’ ‘She should have kept her mouth shut,’ ‘If I can’t have her no one can,’ ‘She can’t have the kids either, no one can.’ Men, if this pisses you off and you’re mad at me you need to step back and think about it. How do your mates talk about women? How do they talk about their exes? Is she a ‘psycho bitch?’ I’ll bet he says she is. She isn’t. It is time for you to sort your motherfucking shit out. Go to the counsellor, get a mental health care plan, take medication if you need it. Talk to your mates. Make it ok to have feelings. It isn’t weak. It takes courage to admit you have a problem and you will gain nothing but respect from the worthy people in your life when you step up and say, ‘I need help.’ Your children don’t want to be afraid of you. They need to feel safe. Your spouse deserves to be treated with respect and to not be killed. If you can’t drive without going into a rage. Sort that shit out and don’t have the kids in the car with you until you do. In fact don’t drive until you get your act together. Because you might kill someone. Treat your mother with respect, treat your ex with respect. Even if you dislike each other, don’t say that shit in front of your kids. Your children are watching. You are modelling for your son how to treat women; you are modelling for your daughter how she should expect to be treated. Step up and do your damn job properly. Stop the tantrums, stop being immature. Grow the fuck up and that’s means being accountable for your emotions. Let me clarify: It is never ok to: Manipulate, gaslight, abuse, threaten, intimidate, assault, kill anyone ever. Have tantrums, frighten women and children, be aggressive and controlling. Especially not your kids and not the women in your life. It is ok too: Respect, nurture, them and yourself. To admit you need help and to get it. It’s pretty straight forward stuff. Hold yourself and your mates accountable. Do you get it? So, I ask again. How are you going? Do you need some help?
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I have to say I had never heard of this version of the ever popular Monopoly until recently when the TVC started making the rounds again on social media. If you missed it, here it is.
The idea of this game from what I believe, (I have not played it) is to empower girls and women. Female players get more money from the bank than men to start with and collect more than their male opponents as they pass go. You don’t buy property but rather inventions made or co made by women (conveniently excluding the disregarded original inventor of Monopoly, Elizabeth Magie.) This is the complete opposite of what happens in the workplace and women are asking for equal pay for equal work, not more money than our male counterparts. I think it’s pretty lame to suggest that for women to get ahead or to remain ahead if treated with equality, we would require head starts. But it gets worse. According to Megan Garber (who has actually played the silly game) in her article, “I played Ms Monopoly so you don’t have to.” “We dutifully follow the directions: Roll the dice, move forward, buy, pay, repeat. Andrew lands on Community Chest. This is what his card says: “You see the newest superhero movie with a female lead, and it’s awesome! COLLECT $50. If you’re a man, COLLECT $100.” Wait, what? He gets rewarded for sitting through a super hero movie with a female lead? I’m already confused. Mixed messaging much? And you gotta love the perky Ms Monopoly thrusting a hip out on the centre of the board, is she sassy? Defiant? Quirky? Independent? Is that what a successful ‘Ms’ looks like? I’m in two minds, I wonder if I would buy it for my daughter if it interested her. The gimmick of it might intrigue her for 2 minutes then it would offer no more value than the original game. The thing is, women don’t start out with more money than men, we get paid less and a lot of women end up with little or no super. Things are better than they once were but we are not there yet. I think I would rather she picks up a book, like the awesome Rebel Girls series to learn about women and their accomplishments. Not given some bullshit drivel which seems to patronisingly “support” women’s accomplishments. What do you think? Peace Adele has lost weight. A lot of weight. She is also an established, successful recording artist. She has numerous awards including Grammy’s, Brit awards, Golden Globe, Billboard Music awards… She has released 3 albums and more. She is a formidable talent, a strong mother, forging a career in a brutal industry that places enormous pressure on artists, especially women to look and certain way, to be desirable, half naked and thin. Adele has successfully bucked all of this and is the epitome of class, style, elegance, integrity and she has a wicked sense of humour. She has also for most of her career been what society considers, overweight. So the weight loss. She looks wonderful but then again she always has. I say good for her if it was important to her to improve her health and to change the shape of her body. I hope it has nothing to do with a bunch of keyboard warriors relentlessly condemning her for being larger than what they think she should be (hypocritically regardless of how they themselves may look) What is so typical and boring is how excited media/social media gets when a woman loses weight. It is as if the weight loss is their biggest accomplishment. Now come on. Adele is phenomenal, size 14 or size 8. Who gives a fuck. Celebrate how much of a strong, talented, smart woman she is. Can we once and for all stop commenting on women’s bodies. Can we please get past it? There is not a woman on earth who avoids this. I vividly remember boys and men commenting on my appearance throughout my life, letting me know what was good and bad about it. Yawn. There are currently protests going on in Australia against the Covid lockdowns and footage emerged of a woman who had her young son with her, being arrested. The footage is harrowing; the boy is clearly traumatised. I absolutely believe she has the right to peacefully protest, which is what she was doing. She also probably shouldn’t have had her son with her and probably shouldn’t be protesting while Covid is kicking our arses. However whilst reading some comments about it on social media, some people were commenting on her appearance, criticising her for having Botox. What the fuck does her face have to do with anything, who cares if she has Botox, how does anyone know she has Botox, fillers or a face lift and why is it worth mentioning. Grow up. This is yet another example of what women face everyday of their lives. We are not allowed to simply exist. We are constantly told how we must look and behave. I tell you if she was older and has jowls she would have been criticised for that. We are never enough. I am so tired of it; I look at my amazing daughter and just think we must do better. I want her to know she is perfect the way she is, everyday and forever. But what a battlefield she will face as she grows up and navigates the world. I only hope I can help to make it a little easier for her. And while we are at it, don’t shame yourself if you put on a kilo or two or three throughout isolation. It is ok, you are ok, you are perfect. No more fat jokes. No more fat shaming. Peace |
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