Do I wish you a Happy New year? It feels kind of off right now, but I do. I do wish this year is happy for you, better for all. I even made some ‘semi’ resolutions, I don’t call them that because they never work. I am making some gradual life shifts instead. Honestly, thank fuck 2023 is over. It was one of the most stressful years of my life and I am one of the ‘lucky’ ones. But everyone is feeling it right now, aren’t they? It seems to cost an unattainable and offensive amount of money to feed your family, to pay the bills, to put petrol in the car, to do the things that were once more manageable. Interest rates? I can’t keep up. Daily coffees, an occasional movie, some nice Thai takeaway food? Forget about it. regular groceries would be nice. (Obnoxious first world problems hey) It is time for some major shifts, a move away from all the bullshit and greed. There is a strong yearning in me for a simpler, healthier and more peaceful life. To find a more affordable way of living, a deeper way of connecting with nature and others and sending a big middle finger to the corporations, banks and rich folk actively destroying our lives. Greedy buggers, I am sick of them. This year, I’m focussing on my health, my home, my kids and my creative work. I’m keen to revamp and expand my vegetable garden to help reduce grocery costs, have access to fresher, healthier produce and to be a little more self-sufficient. The supermarkets are out of control, and I don’t want any part of them. I’ll focus more on bulk buying, cooking from scratch, getting rid of processed food as much as possible (there are some things my kids won’t part with!) and reducing my use of plastics. I’ll actually compost this year and not just produce a tower of stinky sludge and I’ll barter what I can for what I want. This way of living really appeals to me. I would really like my kids and theirs, if they decide to have them, to have a healthy planet to live on when I am long gone. But I fear it may be too late. I hope I am wrong. My creative work over the past year is coming to fruition and will hopefully begin its journey out into the world, that’s fucking scary but the goal nonetheless. I need to be braver, because I often say things that pisses people off, and I care way too much what people think. I am a person who easily offends, who speaks too quickly, too abruptly at times. It is a flaw I am aware of. Is it a flaw? My words are not subtle and I refuse to shy away from the hard things. I admit this way of living stresses me out at times, but I will continue to create, to write, to speak. I’ll read more because as a writer, you must read. I’ll teach more, because people loving to sing makes me happy and I’ll write more music because without it I can’t exist. I’m not on socials right now for several reasons but will return soon, to a lesser extent. I existed for decades without it and can do so again. I’ll put my phone in a drawer, it’s a convenient but irritating thing. Once upon a time, ‘back in my day,’ we would just take the phone off the hook. Done. I’ll walk more, I have two dogs that need exercising now. (Aren’t they cute?) My little home is complete. I’ll look for little pockets of joy and sink into them. It could be sipping a hot cup of tea under a blanket, reading a new book that enthrals me, a new song I can’t stop playing on repeat, a chat with a friend that makes me laugh so hard I pee. I’m at that age now. I bloody love it. I’m grateful to be able to grow old, to pluck the chin hairs, to see my kids grow up. Many aren’t that lucky. Most importantly, I acknowledge how fortunate I am to be able to write these things down as my focus for the year, that I am not spending my days dodging bullets and bombs and destruction. I’m not losing my family and friends, or losing my home. I am so fucking lucky. I acknowledge that I am blessed to have a home, that my children are safe and no matter how much we struggle it is nothing compared to some. Watching the world in chaos on a screen is surreal and traumatising, and it is so easy to disconnect, to keep scrolling, but please don’t. Those who are suffering need our voices, our help. I have actively lost people from my life this year for speaking up and out, but I won’t stop. I won’t ‘shut my mouth’ as I have been told. How can I truly live in peace when others can’t? I wish it for you, I wish it for all. Liz x
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I used to love constant change, I found it thrilling and exciting. I sought it out. Who wants to be boring I’d think, not me! I’d blame it on my star sigh, I’m a Gemini, we are a feisty lot, creative and needing lots of stimulation, we have two sides, which one will I be today? Partners would blame my love of change on my bipolar, ‘You only want to break up because you’re bipolar,’ or ‘Everything is your fault because of your brain.’ Steady on mate, I don’t see your degree, nor your hours and hours spent in therapy picking apart said brain. I break up with you because you are not good for me, I make decisions and mistakes because I am human, just like you, but at least I am making them. It's easy to sit on that high horse and throw little stones, you can’t even be bothered to pick up the rocks, too much effort, you’re lazy like that. There is no one more critical of me than me. As I said I used to love and crave change, I can be hard to keep up with if you’re the wrong type. In many ways I still do, but I have learnt to find value in the consistency that comes with certain phases of life. When you are a single parent, or perhaps just a parent in general? there isn’t a huge amount of wiggle room with the daily ins and outs. You have to clean the house, you have to feed the kids, you have to make some money, you have to get kids to school and to appointments, to bed, you have to pay all the bills, do all the shopping, be everything because you are on your own… there is a lot of ‘same.’ I am in the ‘same’ phase now. My kids need consistency, they need to feel safe and steady, so this ship I am steering, I am diverting away from the icebergs because we don’t need to go down like the ill-fated Titanic. RIP. I’m pushing for routines, early bedtimes, better meals, quiet time, rest, conversations, I’m listening hard because they deserve to be heard. This is my Mother phase, I am motherless, so I am navigating this without a map. My Maiden phase is now long behind me, it was fun for a time. Some days I feel more like I am in my Crone phase, age wise I am getting close, or perhaps I just wish I was because I am weary. I wish to sleep with the moon and rise with the sun, to drink tea in my garden without care, to have completely, once and for all let go of all those who trouble me, knowing I have done my time and owe no one. To sit in the sun with my eyes closed, to let my stomach out, that stomach bloated from childbirth and age. To turn grey gracefully, although they are yet to appear, to move slower because I have the time. To cackle delightfully because I am considered the mad village witch, that would please me. To write my spooky stories and sing my spooky songs, because it’s what I love to do. To be at peace knowing my kids are happy and healthy human beings because of the work I put in. To know that every sacrifice I made was bloody worth it, because they are worth it. I look forward to the Crone. But I am Mother right now and always will be of course, although my role will reduce. So, I settle in, being present in this moment because before long it will pass. I know change will come, when it is time, but not yet. I pull on the reins and ask my horses to wait a little longer. I don’t want to miss a minute. That itching under my skin to change is still there, it always is. But we have a deal. Change needs to take a time out for a while so I can parent the way I want to parent. It is mostly okay with that because it understands. We as humans, move through phases in life and some are harder than others, some feel like you won’t make it through but we do, mostly. As we age the phases become a little scarier, because as a species we are too aware of our mortality. But we can look at that awareness as a gift, we can savour the moments, the phases, embrace them all before our time runs out. Hopefully we have a good few years before it does. So for now, the Mother continues on, the Crone lies in wait and I smile my crooked smile because I know I am blessed. Perhaps you’ll see me years from now, I’ll be the one riding the night sky on my broom, cackling away, sprinkling magic dust over you all. Peace. Did you miss me? Huh? You didn't notice I was gone. Never mind, here I am. Back, refreshed, newly medicated and ready to dive in. A lot has happened in the years since I was last here, (No shit Sherlock - you think you're the only one with stuff?) Seriously though, how have you all been? I have been busy starting my son off in high school, juggling all the appointments and business that comes with having a neuro-diverse kiddo and supporting my daughter she she enters her final year in primary school. I restarted my garden for the nine hundredth time, got a new deck built so I can sit with my tea admiring the veggies growing ferociously, while dodging the branches the cockatoos hurl at me from the tree above. I have been in the studio recording several new music projects, all of which excites the fuck out of me. Can't wait to send that shit out into the world. What else? I got a new psychiatrist. Now that is exciting. New psych, new diagnosis, new meds, new me. Bloody Brilliant. And lots of writing, always lots of writing. Oh and I turned 50! Not even sure how I got here so quickly. Today is a miserable day here, even though it's summer, it is foggy, rainy and shit but I love it like this. The world quietens down for me on days like this, there is less business. Although I do have to go get some food, unless my son wants cat biscuits in his lunch tomorrow. My daughter is on camp, her first big camp. She is off snorkelling, bloody proud of her, she's an anxious kid so it was a big step going to camp. I'm hoping 2023 is a good year for us all, it's already the end of February, time keeps moving too fast for me. I'm hoping I have another 30/40 years to get all the shit done I want to do. I better get moving. Let me know what you're up to? Anyway, thanks for reading, thanks for being here, I'll be around a lot more now. Elizabeth By the way, I want to get Quails, anyone have Quails? any tips? I have often heard about how gardening is good for your mental health. I remember a fantastic segment on Gardening Australia where they visited the garden of a woman whose psychologist had recommended gardening as one way to help alleviate her post natal depression. Watch it here. I have always been interested in self-sufficiency, creating a food garden and basically growing as much of our own produce as we could. As well as keeping rescue chickens. I do find that when I am in the garden, working the soil, planting, harvesting etc… it is very calming and my kids love it too. That said, we only have a couple of veggie beds. In an effort to tread lightly and reduce costs, I installed solar panels on my house, we were lucky enough to already have two water tanks on the property and now I plan to develop the garden. We don’t have a huge property, just your average suburban backyard but careful planning should allow for maximum rewards. The thing is, I don’t really know much anything about gardening, I am more of a chuck it in the ground and see what happens kind of woman. All I know is I like the idea of growing food and choosing dinner from what is in the garden. I also have two compost bins and a worm farm I am yet to fully utilise and the chook house needs replacing. If I had my way I would go all out, but for that I’d need a much bigger space, especially for all the goats I long to have. But for now, while the kids are in school and we all need stability we will make do with what we have and where we are. (which is pretty good tbh) One cool thing I have done is enrol in Milkwood’s next Permaculture Living course, which starts Monday. I can’t wait. I hope I learn loads and can implement it all...except for bees… can’t do bees… That aside, I am interested to see how I feel once I start gardening more. Will it help calm my mind, reduce episodes of anxiety and panic? Will I become a gardening addict, Will I finally get rid of the grass for veggie beds? Will I start growing a beard like Costa? We will see. Peace |
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