Children ruined my Career There I said it, they killed it dead in its tracks. I agree wholeheartedly with Lily Allen. In case you missed it, she recently said in an interview, "I never really had a strategy when it comes to career, but yes, my children ruined my career. I love them and they complete me, but in terms of pop-stardom, they totally ruined it.” Now I don’t have Lily Allen’s fame, money, celebrity status or David Harbour as a husband, but I am also a singer, actor, blah blah blah. Or I was until I had my kids. Once they came along, any resemblance of a creative career for me went by the wayside. Having a neurodiverse son was part of it, but let’s face it, when it comes to kids and domestic duties, the majority if not all of the responsibility falls on the woman most of the time. It’s not right, it's not fair, in fact it’s a load of toss but it is how it is. It was and is difficult for me to see the world move on, to see careers take off, or at least maintain a status quo while mine is laying in a ditch by the M4 choking on exhaust fumes, but like Lily Allen, I made a choice. As she said, “Some people choose their career over their children and that’s their prerogative, but my parents were quite absent when I was a kid. I feel that really left some nasty scars that I’m not willing to repeat on mine. I chose stepping back and concentrating on them and I’m glad I’ve done that.” Same here Lily, same here. I did choose to put my kids first and still do, but to be brutally honest, I also don’t have a choice. I have no family to help me and have 100% care of my kids, so when the fuck would I have time to get out there and perform? I could have hired babysitter’s, but my neurodiverse son wouldn’t have coped with that. I could have done it anyway, but as I said, I put them first. I was a latchkey kid, born in the 70s and a teenager in the 80s, there are so many things I love about the 80’s but the absence of parenting was not one of them, there are many things I did, or that I experienced that I wish had not happened, so I chose to do things very differently. Now I don’t think I deserve a medal for doing so, I applaud women who can make strides in their careers (yeah I’m jealous too) and manage a family but that simply wasn’t the case for me. Having a messy brain doesn’t help, I get overwhelmed easily, so trying to juggle too much just means I shut down and sit in paralysis and that sucks. There is only so much I can handle on my own. However, my kids are getting older, (imagine that!) the youngest twelve now, so slowly I will be able to reclaim some time for my creative work and the blessing is, that the bond I have with my kids, the connection, the memories, the love is so bloody strong, I know I am lucky as fuck. So, here’s to women who can ‘have it all’ I don’t know how you do it! I’ll just sit here with my tea thinking Lily Allen and I are friends and that David Harbour has a nice single brother…
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Alas, that is a paradox. A Gen X brain is rarely balanced because we grew up without any mental health support at all. Not even a conversation over a cuppa and a bikkie. Not a single Zoloft in sight. What a rort right? We grew up, ‘getting on with it’ and consequently grew up tough and independent. These are not bad traits I don’t believe, but we do spend hours in therapy trying to understand why we were allowed to watch Freddy Kruger at age 9, stay home alone for hours at 10, go out clubbing at 14 and basically live lives devoid of parenting and emotional support. (or is it just me?) We can’t blame our parents too much, that’s just the way it was. They worked, they had a mortgage to pay. They were also ignored by their parents, so they didn’t know much better. No one recognised depression, anxiety, bipolar, autism, ADHD or if they did it was all hush hush. Too much shame, too much unknown. ‘Cheer Up, you’ll be right’ right? ‘He is just naughty!’ ‘She is weird!’ I didn’t get any of my diagnosis until I was in my 20’s when I took myself off to the Dr to find out why I struggled so much. I wonder if I was given support as a kid, if things would have been different? Maybe, but I don’t wallow… anymore. I think you have to embrace whatever it is that makes you you. Get the help and support you need, talk about it, take your meds, don’t be shamed, live a healthy life and don’t beat yourself up. I lived in shame for many years due to the stigma around mental illness and the weaponisation of my diagnosis against me by people who wanted fodder for their abusive behaviour. But I’m too smart for that now, too feisty and ‘independent’. See after all, what a good thing to be! I’ve grown into someone formidable, in my mind at least anyway. I don’t care if I am told I am too loud, too opinionated, too old, too fat, too nasty, too nice, too, too emotional, too independent, too anything. I have earned that right, to be all and any of those things. I’m drawn to strong women, women who speak their mind, who speak up for others, who are considered slightly unhinged because they have confidence. Women who speak up are often viciously silenced. It’s boring. So don’t be silent. Be authentically you. Warts and All Baby. As for my brain, it’s a work in progress, but I love the damn thing. Peace. I have bipolar disorder and it is my superpower. I didn’t know for sure I had Bipolar until I was in my 20’s, but when I got my diagnosis, everything made sense. I mean I grew up in the 80’s, no one paid any attention to mental health issues then, we just got on with it, so it was a relief for me to get some answers. Bipolar can make life tricky, exhausting and honestly horrid at times but it can also make life exciting, productive, thrilling and turbo charged. The trick is to find the balance, and by taking my meds, maintaining a healthy(ish) and keeping away from shit people and stressful situations I manage this. I don’t manage all the time, in fact right now my life is a bit of a cluster fuck but it is nothing I can’t resolve because I am a survivor and have been through worse and that is why having bipolar is my superpower. It has made me a warrior, it takes a lot to bring me down, if at all. So, I am ‘finding the balance’ once again. I’m pulling out the weeds. I have found in life that some people like to pick on the lowest hanging fruit. This is what I mean by shit people. I find as a person who suffers from a mood disorder and other mental illnesses, some people who have come into my life choose to blame me for their bad behaviour because I have bipolar. In their minds they acted the way they did because of me. Geez, now who needs therapy? It is an easy out, a gaslight, a low vibe, low energy, lazy thing to do. Let me give you a little context, I wanted to leave a relationship once, the person I was in the relationship with said that the only reason I wanted to leave was because of my bipolar. Wait what? It was because I liked change and so I shouldn’t leave, it was the wrong choice, didn’t I know this? It wasn’t because they were a gaslighting, manipulative, abusive rusty tool from the collective ‘tool’ shed. I admit, it threw me at first, because I am always hyper aware of the impact of my ‘behaviours’ but after I got over the self-doubt, confusion and guilt, all this narrative did was solidify my choice to leave the relationship because if you are prepared to manipulate like that, you will do anything. Another ex-partner chose to blame me for all the issues we had, despite the fact I was the only one deep in therapy and committed to working on myself. It was another way for them to justify continuing with their poor behaviour. They could sit on their high horse and say, ‘Look at her, she is crazy, that’s why everything went wrong.’ All my therapists and psychiatrists would and do disagree with you sir. Perhaps I am just drawn to low life’s who will sink to the mucky bottom of emotional manipulation? Perhaps it is because I carry the guilt of being unwell and knowing that anyone who gets involved with me, at some point or another will encounter me having an episode? Perhaps they think I am too stupid to know what they are doing? It makes me enjoy my own company greatly. It makes me stronger. But all of this leads to the next dilemma, when I do decide to venture out into the dating world again, if ever, when do I disclose my delightful laundry list of illnesses? Morally, it would be right from the beginning, wouldn’t it? But if that is one of the first things they know about me, will they be open enough to see that having bipolar is just one thing about me, I am also intelligent, fun, creative, compassionate, caring, loving, motivated, productive and so on, will everything I offer be continually seen through the lens of bipolar? Will I be once again be underestimated? Will the next person weaponize my Bipolar against me? It is exhausting just thinking about it. There are many reasons I don’t currently date, being a single mother with 100% care and being a wise old crone who can spot a red flag four miles away (my other superpower), but if I chose too, it would only take two seconds to Google me and see I have bipolar, so my work is done, my dilemma solved. I have found, men tend to not like being called out on their behaviour, (okay-not all men) and I just can’t help it sometimes – all the time. Not because I am perfect, or a judge or the ruler of the world but because I have tolerated SO much rubbish in my half a decade of life that I am bloody done, like a dog’s dinner. So dating… if someone decides they don’t want to get to know you because of your mental illness, then yes that is their prerogative, but what a shame it would be. There are so many amazing people in the world, contributing, thriving and just being awesome who also happen to have bipolar or any other of the mental illnesses and mood disorders in the world. I happily wear my bipolar superhero cape and because I don’t hide in shame, I will meet the right people at the right time, and the weeds will die away. I wish that for you too. I used to love constant change, I found it thrilling and exciting. I sought it out. Who wants to be boring I’d think, not me! I’d blame it on my star sigh, I’m a Gemini, we are a feisty lot, creative and needing lots of stimulation, we have two sides, which one will I be today? Partners would blame my love of change on my bipolar, ‘You only want to break up because you’re bipolar,’ or ‘Everything is your fault because of your brain.’ Steady on mate, I don’t see your degree, nor your hours and hours spent in therapy picking apart said brain. I break up with you because you are not good for me, I make decisions and mistakes because I am human, just like you, but at least I am making them. It's easy to sit on that high horse and throw little stones, you can’t even be bothered to pick up the rocks, too much effort, you’re lazy like that. There is no one more critical of me than me. As I said I used to love and crave change, I can be hard to keep up with if you’re the wrong type. In many ways I still do, but I have learnt to find value in the consistency that comes with certain phases of life. When you are a single parent, or perhaps just a parent in general? there isn’t a huge amount of wiggle room with the daily ins and outs. You have to clean the house, you have to feed the kids, you have to make some money, you have to get kids to school and to appointments, to bed, you have to pay all the bills, do all the shopping, be everything because you are on your own… there is a lot of ‘same.’ I am in the ‘same’ phase now. My kids need consistency, they need to feel safe and steady, so this ship I am steering, I am diverting away from the icebergs because we don’t need to go down like the ill-fated Titanic. RIP. I’m pushing for routines, early bedtimes, better meals, quiet time, rest, conversations, I’m listening hard because they deserve to be heard. This is my Mother phase, I am motherless, so I am navigating this without a map. My Maiden phase is now long behind me, it was fun for a time. Some days I feel more like I am in my Crone phase, age wise I am getting close, or perhaps I just wish I was because I am weary. I wish to sleep with the moon and rise with the sun, to drink tea in my garden without care, to have completely, once and for all let go of all those who trouble me, knowing I have done my time and owe no one. To sit in the sun with my eyes closed, to let my stomach out, that stomach bloated from childbirth and age. To turn grey gracefully, although they are yet to appear, to move slower because I have the time. To cackle delightfully because I am considered the mad village witch, that would please me. To write my spooky stories and sing my spooky songs, because it’s what I love to do. To be at peace knowing my kids are happy and healthy human beings because of the work I put in. To know that every sacrifice I made was bloody worth it, because they are worth it. I look forward to the Crone. But I am Mother right now and always will be of course, although my role will reduce. So, I settle in, being present in this moment because before long it will pass. I know change will come, when it is time, but not yet. I pull on the reins and ask my horses to wait a little longer. I don’t want to miss a minute. That itching under my skin to change is still there, it always is. But we have a deal. Change needs to take a time out for a while so I can parent the way I want to parent. It is mostly okay with that because it understands. We as humans, move through phases in life and some are harder than others, some feel like you won’t make it through but we do, mostly. As we age the phases become a little scarier, because as a species we are too aware of our mortality. But we can look at that awareness as a gift, we can savour the moments, the phases, embrace them all before our time runs out. Hopefully we have a good few years before it does. So for now, the Mother continues on, the Crone lies in wait and I smile my crooked smile because I know I am blessed. Perhaps you’ll see me years from now, I’ll be the one riding the night sky on my broom, cackling away, sprinkling magic dust over you all. Peace. Did you miss me? Huh? You didn't notice I was gone. Never mind, here I am. Back, refreshed, newly medicated and ready to dive in. A lot has happened in the years since I was last here, (No shit Sherlock - you think you're the only one with stuff?) Seriously though, how have you all been? I have been busy starting my son off in high school, juggling all the appointments and business that comes with having a neuro-diverse kiddo and supporting my daughter she she enters her final year in primary school. I restarted my garden for the nine hundredth time, got a new deck built so I can sit with my tea admiring the veggies growing ferociously, while dodging the branches the cockatoos hurl at me from the tree above. I have been in the studio recording several new music projects, all of which excites the fuck out of me. Can't wait to send that shit out into the world. What else? I got a new psychiatrist. Now that is exciting. New psych, new diagnosis, new meds, new me. Bloody Brilliant. And lots of writing, always lots of writing. Oh and I turned 50! Not even sure how I got here so quickly. Today is a miserable day here, even though it's summer, it is foggy, rainy and shit but I love it like this. The world quietens down for me on days like this, there is less business. Although I do have to go get some food, unless my son wants cat biscuits in his lunch tomorrow. My daughter is on camp, her first big camp. She is off snorkelling, bloody proud of her, she's an anxious kid so it was a big step going to camp. I'm hoping 2023 is a good year for us all, it's already the end of February, time keeps moving too fast for me. I'm hoping I have another 30/40 years to get all the shit done I want to do. I better get moving. Let me know what you're up to? Anyway, thanks for reading, thanks for being here, I'll be around a lot more now. Elizabeth By the way, I want to get Quails, anyone have Quails? any tips? Happy Belated New Year everyone.
I know I’m late to the party but I’ve been hunkering down with the fam, planning a very different looking 2021 and avoiding the chaos. Covid is still with us, and I guess always will be in some way. Each day greets us with a new border closures, lock downs, mask rules and vaccine updates. All of it makes me weary. My feed is full of broken people, front liners asking for everyone to follow the rules as they are the ones dealing with the misery of it all and on the flip side too many conspiracy theories that bore me stupid. The USA has gone completely mad, well the Pro Trumpers have. When he said, ‘Make America Great Again,’ did he mean send it into absolute chaos and violence? Does inciting a coup make it great? He has been banned from social media which is very late in coming but at least it finally happened. I’m anxious about inauguration day. Are you? Not long to go now. Despite the great pile of steaming garbage that has clung to 2021 from the awful 2020, I am full of optimism. We have had rain instead of fires, my family is healthy; we have a roof over our heads, food on the table, animals running about and are more privileged than many. I am grateful. I am about to start home schooling my eldest and am studying again, I am a forever student. This year is full of changes, re adjustments and new ways of living. I think it’s going to be ok. What do you have to be grateful for? Do you have people you can reach out too? We must look after each other. Mental Health Matters. I’m here if you need a chat. Peace I had my first Covid test this week. Came down with a cough and a sore throat. I’ve been careful - masks, hand sanitising, social distancing and really not going out at all except for groceries and occasionally visiting a friend. Had to isolate completely until I had my results, ran out of cat biscuits… how privileged that that was my biggest concern. I am so lucky, so many others are struggling, so many others are not with the same privilege I enjoy. The Australian Government has increased the subsidised therapy sessions to 20 a year instead of 10. I hope this helps people struggling with their mental health throughout this pandemic. It will certainly help me. It will take a long time to recover. I doubt life will ever go back to the way it was pre-covid. Do we want it too? People seem to be reassessing what is important in their lives, moving out of cities in mass exoduses to quieter towns. Working from home, focussing on family. Thinking about what they want out of life. Some people are mad. I get it. There is great suffering. The planet has been given some reprieve but so many losses. Unbearable to consider. We need to care for each other more than ever. Do you have someone to talk too? Sharing a coffee with a friend is my mental health staple. My results were negative. I am fortunate. I hope you’re ok. Peace. I’m sending out resumes today. I need to put down some roots. This casual gig is fun but not sustainable. Find the balance between bringing in money and creative expression. Sometimes they merge but not often enough, Covid put a swift end to that. Cannot sacrifice one for the other as both are important. Financial security versus the lifelong urge to spend my days creating. Financial security versus my brain urging me to keep moving, standing still is hazardous. All my nerves are twitching and I long for the new. Racing thoughts, grand plans all pulled into line by therapists who work to ground me in my hypomanic moments. They have quite a job ahead of them. As do I. Never quite give up on the grand plans but know how to quieten them enough so I can function in my day to day. But always, always lurking. My resume is a confused, lengthy scattering of jobs. I rarely land. ‘Look at all that experience.’ Jack of all trades, master of none. I am good at what I do, just need to do it more. I want to earn more, I want to contribute more. I want many things. Sometimes my energy throws people off, they sense how trapped I can feel. They sense how hard I try to please. Searching for validation. Prove I am capable. I am. Sometimes the mirror is too strong for them and they walk away. That’s ok. Can’t make everyone happy. You do you. Peace. I have been fumbling around in the darkness for over month now, maybe two. I’ve lost count. I am trying to be patient, waiting for the sun to peek through and lighten things up and yesterday I had a glimpse. The day was warm, the sun was out, I sat beneath it soaking up the rays whilst reading Sarah Wilson’s new book, ‘This One Wild and Precious Life.’ It lifted me up and stoked my curiosity, which made me feel a little better about my world. In my mind, I trekked with her, sat in the warm pubs eating, drinking and chatting to strangers. I would love to do that right now, but the world is closed. I am so grateful that Sarah wrote about her bipolar and anxiety in her book, ‘first, we make the beast beautiful,’ and will return to that one after this. She is a wonderful writer, nomad and I find her work so inspiring. I am thankful for her massive contribution to destigmatising mental illness. Back to my day, eventually the sun went down, my daughter put away her Harry Potter book and I put away mine and the darkness returned. It lurks and swallows you up. That is until the mania comes, or with Bipolar 2 ‘hypomania.’ So what do I do? I drink my coffee, write my words, do some housework, read books, play with the animals, love and nurture my kids and reach out to friends. My instinct is to go further inward but I know that I need to reach out. I need to keep moving so the darkness doesn’t close me in completely. It is a bastard. Those of you who feel this, you are not alone. I’m listening. I’m feeling for Kanye West right now. I’m feeling for a man who suffers from the same mental health disorder that I do but I have a few, precious people in my life who help me be accountable, who help me through manic episodes and potentially stop me from making some pretty major mistakes. I’m guessing he doesn’t. For Kanye, he has the world watching, judging, laughing and pitying him. His most recent manic episode at his rally has been broadcast around the world, it was heartbreaking to see him fall apart without the support he most clearly needs. It is true that when you are manic you are highly creative, unstoppable, intensely motivated, do lots of crazy stuff, some things great, some not so great and you don’t bother with sleep. If you are Kanye, you run for President. Despite having no qualifications whatsoever, the mania makes you believe that it is possible. He is kind of right too, I mean Trump got elected, we never thought that would have happened. That is why Kanye calls it his superpower, because sometimes that is exactly what it feels like. But at his rally, we saw a man lost in his mania and pivoting rapidly towards the unbearable slump and depression that follows an intense manic episode. That is the price we pay for these moments of extreme highs, what goes up must come down and come down we do. When you come down, you realise all the crazy things you did whilst manic and if you’re like me, you panic and cancel things and have immense guilt and fear about all the money wasted, projects started and neglected, people picked up and dumped, major life decisions made and you simply can’t move. You cry, you have remorse, regret, you literally hate yourself. Until the next high. I’m not sure what the people around Kanye are doing for him, I can imagine he is very hard to try and help, he is like an out of control freight train. I hope he gets the support he needs; I hope he steps back and takes the time to heal. I hope he cancels his twitter account. I hope he drops out of the Presidential race. I hope he backs out of the spotlight but I highly doubt it. In the meantime, please understand that Bipolar is a mental illness, not a joke, not a meme. If you can’t be kind. Step back, you are just being harmful. Peace. |
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