I have had the stink of being super judgy lately. I acknowledge my shittyness by saying, I know this is being very judgy but….before I say the super judgy thing I’m gonna say. It is just plain shitty. What is even shittier is when you hide you judgyness behind ‘being concerned’ for the person and who their behaviour is hurting. Don’t get me wrong, I am genuinely concerned for my friend and those concerned but I am not being a good friend behaving the way I am. My god, real concern would be sitting down with said friend and expressing my deep concern for their mental health and safety based on the behaviours they are doing, even knowing they are going to arc up... not sitting down with a different friend discussing those behaviours. It is gross and not coming from a place of love, even if I tell myself it is. When I’m not judging other people from my fucking glass castle in the sky, I am firmly and repetitively judging myself. Ruminating over decisions and actions I have taken in my life and scolding myself more severely than anyone else ever could. Punishing myself by reliving these actions. My therapist tells me over and over that I am way too unkind to myself. But I don’t hear it, not really. I mean I know I am, but seriously I have done some stupid fucking shit... mania or not. I am trying to learn to not ruminate so much, to not think forward too much. To be present… but my brain isn’t having it. I won’t give up though. I’ll do the work and oneday maybe I will settle into glimpses of peace. As for my friend to whom I am, Ms Judgy McJudgy… I will have a conversation. I will stop the judgy chatter because it isn’t in line with who I want to be. If you are chattering away behind a friends back, quit it, stop it, It is too ugly and boring. Be better. See that, I just judged you. I am quite skilled aren’t I… Seriously, if you love them and value them, talk to them. If you don’t then remove yourself from their lives. They deserve better too. Peace
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March 2024
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