I’m scared of needles, I loathe them, I can’t even look at them but will happily go and get tattoos. I’ll even go voluntarily, I pay good money for them, tattoos I love. But needles for any other purpose, forget it. I went to see a new acupuncturist this week, I haven’t seen one in over 13 years, because needles… My newly acquired acupuncturist asked why I was so terrified of getting acupuncture but will happily get tattoos, apparently this is not uncommon. I had no answer. I’m crazy? She only managed to put two needles in before resorting to Moxi. Moxibustion is something I love, its warm and smells divine. But only two needles? What a wimp. Two weeks ago, I sat for over two hours having my cats angry face inked onto my arm and am planning to go back for touch ups and another tattoo? And it hurts way more than acupuncture. There is no logic here, I must be mad… Perhaps it’s the fact you have to lay there with the needles sticking out of you for a period of time. You have to lay there and ‘relax’ as if! When I am getting a tattoo, I happily growl or swear in the painful bits and laugh too, but lay there serenely with needles poking out? My brain says, ‘Nope, not okay.’ And my anxiety, the sinister little fucker, whom I call Maude, laughs her head off. I have a deep fear that I will bump one of the tiny little needles, sending it plummeting into my skin and piercing a vital organ, leading to death and catastrophic injury. I explained this (irrational?) fear to my acupuncturist and she explained it was impossible and then showed me a needle. By this stage Maude was cheering, ‘Yeah show her, that’ll fuck her up!’ She, my acupuncturist, not Maude, wanted me to see how it had a handle and how pretty the handle was (huh?), but more to the point that the handle prevented it going further in… To me the non-handle bit still looked long enough to stab me to death. I’ll also mention I have an out of control fear of knives, can’t look at them, can’t watch someone hold one, can’t handle slasher flicks but can cut vegetables? Weird huh? I do wish my daughter would stop asking to watch Scream, she has a love of horror I am slightly disturbed by. I on the other hand, never want to see any type of needle (or knife), I don’t watch the tattoo gun, I don’t watch when I have blood drawn and I certainly didn’t watch when I had two epidural needles plunged into my spine followed by a spinal block chaser. No Thank You. That’s the thing about anxiety, it always sends you to the worst-case possible scenario. My anxiety, Maude, loves to send me spiralling, she always makes me believe it is going to be far worse than it actually is. Except for acupuncture then Maude’s right. When I was trying to conceive my first child, I tried everything, including acupuncture. I went to see a lovely old Chinese Acupuncturist who not only stuck oodles of needles in me, but then attached wires to them and ‘gently’ electrocuted me. Perhaps this is where some of my trauma lies? But it worked, I got pregnant and had my first child. By now, if you are still here reader, you are probably thinking, why the fuck does she go then, if she is so scared, well I go because I believe it works. I’m heading in for some tests next week and Maude has me thinking worst-case again, so I am getting this old body of mines immune system pumping. If Maude is wrong, then at least my immunity has had a jump start, if she is right, then acupuncture will become a regular part of my life, so I better give Maude a Valium and settle in.
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